Tuesday, November 3, 2009

attracted to failure or yup, this is bullshit

So I have been extremely angry lately. An anger that has not been directed at anyone in particular, but I am horribly angry. It's a multi-faceted pissed off. Yes, I have a child on the way and, yes I am happy about that. The two have nothing to do with each other. I maintain moments of enjoyment, happiness. This is more a deep seated rage with no outlet to escape. I can't blow up, because the shell is too thick. I can't release it, because there is no outlet.
I really do hate people. Again, not a direct hatred, more a general consensus between id and super ego. I wish to plow my vehicle at full speed into every car that pulls out in front of me on the street, when there are clearly no other cars behind me. I want to slam hard on my brakes all those tailgating motherfuckers.

Drumming.

That used to be my release. Band practice and shows. I don't have that anymore.
Dexter
Heroes
Flash Forward
Dinner time at the table
The wife and I laying in bed EVERY NIGHT playing video games and of course baby making
My soon-to-be child

THOSE are the things that make me happy, for those short times.

Every minute between those joyous occasions is a constant worry field.
Money is draining at an alarming rate.
Jobs are coming in slow.
Rental property needs to be fixed up and sold ASAP.
New business is starting off real slow.

I'm supposed to be raising and supporting a family and I have no confidence in myself anymore to do this.
I've been helping everyone I can and not complaining at all about those that have taken advantage of/still take advantage of my services.
I'm tired of certain things being expected of me, but I'll keep doing it because I don't feel like dealing with the drama that would unfold if I were to finally just give it all up.

I've been thinking about and seeing my father a lot lately.
Wifey knows that there is something wrong with me.
She is great about leaving it alone, because I truly want it that way.

Oh, I don't know. Is this what a blog is supposed to be like?
The incestant rambling of people who
just
need
to
WRITE
!
!

Well, I gotta get out of this funk soon. It's driving me insane and I hate it.
OH MAN, I forgot the piece of happiness that I get when my kitties snuggle and follow me around.

I have plenty to be thankful for, no arguing there. Life is just a piece of shit.
In general people.
I suppose I should take life "by the horns" and face fuck it into submission.


Okay, fuck taking something back. I'm making my own way.

Life; My business WILL succeed, there is NOTHING you can do about it.
Life; I WILL be a great father, eat shit if you don't think so.
Life; I am NOT my father, never will be, never can be. I will NOT be held to his standards. I AM my own person. I WILL honor his legacy in my own way.
Life; You are NOT in control. I hearby announce to you that I am making my own way to the top. I am not allowing you anymore control.

I'm going to go take a deep breath now. Stop worrying about the future and begin to MAKE it the way I see it.


ps. this wasn't meant to offend anyone. If you were offended though, well "goddamn you're fucking dumb."

3 comments:

BethyBoo said...

So uh, FYI, of course, I love you, and we all know that I have complete faith in you. You do a wonderful job providing for us, and I know you will always do whatever you can. Besides, you know, it will work out, I have faith as always and good enough karma to make up for your past ;)

Katana said...

This is exactly what blogs are for... someplace to rant about shit you need to get off your chest so you can move on with your life. Well done, sir. Now go out there and give Life a firm kick square in the nuts... it deserves it.
~~Z

Cootiebug77 said...

Hey dude... you've got a lot of friends you know? If you need help with fixing up the rental property, try calling us. I don't know jack shit about plumbing or electricity, but I can clean and I can paint and I can wield a hammer (hehehe).

Oh, and if you ever need help in the baby-making department, let me know too? ; )